


Run

by unknowableroom_archivist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Gen, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-12-18
Updated: 2007-03-10
Packaged: 2019-01-19 16:04:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 11,054
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12413415
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unknowableroom_archivist/pseuds/unknowableroom_archivist
Summary: Lily Evans is a girl who can never do what her heart wants. It tells her to party and have fun, she studies. It tells her to have a wild side, she does everything by the rules. It tells her to get James, she runs.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Note from ChristyCorr, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Unknowable Room](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Unknowable_Room), a Harry Potter archive active from 2005-2016. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project after May 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Unknowable Room collection profile](http://www.archiveofourown.org/collections/unknowableroom).

Run. That was the only thing rushing through my head. I had to run, and get out of this place. To much had happened, and I couldn’t stay there. I turned my head, and saw a confused James staring after me. There was too much I had to think about, and I had to get away from James. I looked forwards, and saw the forest coming up. Perfect I thought, my spot was close. Nobody could find me there. Not even Hagrid. My vision was blurred from the tears, and I just kept running. James was probably following me by now. I couldn’t let him find me. Not now. Not after what had just happened. I could hear the twigs snapping behind me, and I told my tired body it was just a little farther. I wiped my eyes, and saw the spring up ahead. I dived into the water, and swam to the underground cave. I pulled myself out of the water, and sat down. Leaning against the cave walls, I closed my eyes and pictured the events that happened only minutes ago. I was walking by the lake, just enjoying the night sky, when James walked by me. On most occasions, I would tell him to sod off or something to that effect. But not tonight. We walked in silence most of the time, and just as we got to the front doors, he stopped me, and just looked at me. There are many irrational things I have done in my life, but this by far was the most. I stared right back into those beautiful hazel eyes, and kissed him right then and there. Of course he was shocked at first, but almost suddenly he recovered and started kissing me back. I was rather enjoying it until I realized just what exactly I was doing. I pushed away from him and ran. I opened my eyes and felt a few tears fall down my cheeks. Oh great, I thought, now he has me crying over him. I put my head in my hands and tried to sort out what was running through my mind. Nobody had known about my recent feelings, not even my best friend Alice. I told no one of my feelings for James. Not even myself. Now whenever I gathered enough courage to go back to the castle James would be there thinking that there was something going on between us. I didn’t want to get involved with James. Not in the least bit. Sure he was sweet, but a relationship with him would be doomed from the start. We just don't get along well enough to date. And obviously I can’t even kiss the guy without running away. 

“Lily?” My head snapped up, and I looked in the direction of the voice. I sighed and put my head back down. I don't know how he found me. It’s like he has some sixth sense about me. 

“What do you want James?” I muttered. I could tell he was running his hand through his hair. I sighed, stupid nervous habits. I could hear him walking over to me, and I felt him sit down beside me. 

“I’m sorry Lily. I didn’t mean to,” he said quietly next to me. 

“Sorry for what James? I am the one who kissed you,” I murmured. 

“I know that, nevertheless, I’m still sorry. But, I don't regret it,” he paused, “Even if you do.” The next thing out of my mouth was not a witty remark, but a sob. I could feel him tense beside me. Obviously he wasn’t used to crying girls. He put an arm around me, and pulled me in close. 

“Lils please don't cry.” He pulled me into his lap, and I sobbed into his shoulder. I found it to be very comforting to be sitting there with James, and even though I spent a whole hour trying to convince myself that It would never work, it was the times like these that I realized how much James had changed over the past year. Now that I thought about it, we haven’t fought in a while, and he wasn’t that bad to be around. It could work. If you tried, I told myself. So, once I felt that I could string together a sentence without breaking into tears again, I lifted my head off of his shoulder and said two simple words, 

“I don't.” 

He looked at me with confusion, and asked, “You don't what?” 

I swallowed my fears, and said, “I don't regret it.” 

His eyes filled with confusion and excitement, and then he asked, “Then why did you run?” 

“Because I’m scared. I’m terrified of my feelings for you,” I whispered softly to him. 

He looked into my eyes and said, “Sometimes you have to fight your fears Lily, or they will always be there to haunt you.” 

I looked down into my lap, and muttered, “I don't know if I can James.” He put his hand on my chin, and forced my gaze up to him. 

“Lily, there is nothing to be afraid of. I would never dream of hurting you, and we can go as slow as you need. Lils, I think you are wonderful, and I don't know if I can go on knowing that you have some kind of feelings for me, and we aren’t together.” 

I looked back down, and said softly, “I think we should get back to the castle.” I looked at James just in time to see his face fall before he put on a mask of carelessness. He stood up beside me, and held out a hand to help me up. I took it, and he pulled me into a hug. 

“I’ll always be waiting for you Lily. When you come around, I’ll be there waiting for you with open arms,” he muttered softly into my ear and, with my hand in his, he started out of the cave. I could feel the tears running silently down my face as I walked with James back to the school. I stared at the passing trees, wishing James would say something and not just walk silently in front of me. It hurt, and I felt horrible for it. I had never felt so bad in my life, and that’s counting the time I was in the hospital with 5 broken bones. I looked up to James, and saw his shoulders squared and his fists slightly clenched. I couldn’t believe I was so close to saying yes. I am so weak. I’ll never fall in love if I keep going this way. That’s what was running through my head the whole trip back to the castle. When we finally got to the front doors James turned to me, and said, 

“I know you want me. I’m not being cocky. I wont take no for an answer.” He pulled me into a tight hug, and whispered, “I won’t stop until you say yes. Never.” With that, he pulled away, and walked into the castle leaving me there alone with my thoughts. Naturally, I ran to my dorm, and cried. 


	2. Chapter 2

The sun was shining on my face and I groaned. I hated waking up, and I hated when it was the light that woke me up. I rolled over and buried my face into the warm feather pillow I was using. I was just laying there trying to fall back asleep when last night popped into my head. The nice euphoric dreamland I was in came crashing down around me, and I wanted to just suffocate myself with the pillow I was using as a light guard. Thank Merlin its Saturday. I groaned into the feathery lightness above me and threw it to my feet. The light was coming into the room in small rays, and I could see the particles of dust floating around everywhere. I looked around to find that the rest of my dorm mates had already gotten up. I sighed in relief. No one there to bug me about my puffy eyes and tear streaked face. I slowly pealed the covers off of my slim body, and swung my legs over the side of my bed. 

Over in the corner of our room was a vanity covered in make-up and other things the girls needed for their morning rituals. All I normally did in the morning was take a shower, and put on some pink lip gloss. That morning I walked to the vanity and grabbed someone’s bag of make-up. I looked like crap and I knew it, so I began putting it upon my pale face. I finished and looked at my face in the large mirror. I knew I looked good, but I felt no need to show this on a regular basis. I grabbed my brush and slowly combed the tangles out of my long wavy red hair. I looked beautiful, that I knew, but I felt almost numb inside. I sat the brush down and walked over to my trunk. I ruffled around until I found a pair of slightly worn jeans and a small fitted T-shirt and I put them on.

I looked at my watch and saw that breakfast had just ended. Damnit. I sighed and walked out the common room door on my way to the kitchen. My stomach started growling and it was only then that I remembered I hadn’t eaten dinner last night. I continued walking toward the painting that would be the solution to my hunger. When it was finally in sight I almost ran, but didn’t have the energy so I kept walking until I was standing in front of the bowl of fruit. I quickly tickled the pear and stepped into the kitchen. I took a quick glance around and came to the conclusion that no one else was there. The house elves came up to me and I asked for waffles with whipped cream and chocolate sauce. That was my meal of choice for when I was depressed. Needless to say, I had waffles a lot, and I was shocked I still had to tell the house elves what I wanted. I sat down at one of the tables and waited for my food. When they placed it in front of me I grabbed my fork and began eating them almost savagely. 

“Geez Evans, slow down I don't want you to die on me.”

My head snapped over to the direction of the voice and I rolled my eyes. Sirius Black. His hair was falling into his face in that sexy way and he looked almost beautiful, but it didn’t fool me. He was a great friend, but never would I ever look at him more than that.

“What do you want Black?”

“My, my, my Evans… Aren’t we a bit on the bitchy side this morning.”

“Shut the hell up Siri. I feel like crap.”

He sat across from me and stuck his finger in my whipped cream. Again, this was another one of my odd rituals. Sirius always seemed to know when I was here eating my waffles and he always came and listened to me pour my soul out. Oh, and ate most of my whipped cream. He looked at me with sympathetic eyes.

“Is this about last night?”

I looked up with shock. “James told you?”

He shook his head lightly and said, “He just told me he was out with you, and you seemed to be having a rough night.”

I nodded and looked at Sirius. Sometimes I wondered if he was my best friend. I seemed to tell him things I wouldn’t tell anyone, and I was very close to him. It was about then that I spilled the entire night’s story out to the black haired boy in front of me. He nodded and looked like this was almost what he had expected. After I finished he looked at me and sighed.

“Lils hon, I don't know why you constantly do this to yourself. You obviously like him. Why not give it a chance?”

I looked down to my half eaten waffles and sighed. 

“I don't know Siri. I mean I got up the courage to kiss him, but I can’t do anything else. How screwed up is that?”

He didn’t reply to me, but instead he just stared off to the wall on the far side of the kitchen. Finally he returned his gaze to me and said, “Hon, you just have to go for it. I know you want to run now, but if you keep running soon you’re going to get to the point where your body can’t deal with it. If not for yourself, Lily sweetie, do it for me. Please just stop running before you do something you will regret. Please.”

He stood up knowing he made his point, and nothing more would be said. He walked around the table, hugged me and then left. It took me a while to get my feeling together before I finally left the kitchens. I was so confused. My mind was telling me to just run, get out of there as fast as you can, but my heart was saying go to him. Go while you still can. Don't loose him. I don't know why I felt these ways, but I knew I had to choose soon or, no matter what James said, I would loose my chance with him forever. 


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

After my talk with Sirius in the kitchens, I decided to just have a walk around the school to clear my head. Sirius was right. He was completely and totally right, even though it pained me to admit it. I wandered the school aimlessly for what seemed like years just thinking of nonsense and James. I was royally confused by my situation with James, but I knew I had to make a decision soon. He had waited the longest time for me, and it almost pained me to make him wait even a second more. I stopped to figure out where my wandering feet had led me, and noticed I was outside of the Room of Requirement. I wrinkled my brows and thought to myself what I wanted. One… Two… Three… and a wooden doorway appeared right in front of my pale face. I reached out and grabbed the handle, walking into a simple room with a chair and a desk filled with parchment. I nodded my head and sat myself behind the desk grabbing a quill and some parchment. I decided I needed to make a list. I sighed to myself and started writing. At first it was pouring out of me so fast, reasons why James was or wasn’t boyfriend material. My list was rather equal in the end, causing me to grab at the bridge of my nose already feeling a headache coming on. I pulled my hand down and read over my list.

Pros He’s sweet Not as arrogant Shows me respect Gives really good neck massages Loves me Cares about me Good Kisser

Cons Still a little arrogant A little overprotective Has a lot of secrets Has a lot of pride Prone to fighting Pranks… enough saidI sighed almost grumpily as I noticed my pro list was longer than my con. Surely I could come up with more than that. I placed my quill down to the parchment but no words rushed out this time. The quill never left its spot. 

“Come on Lily; get a hold of yourself,” I muttered desperately to myself.

I crumbled up my small useless list and threw it away angrily. I was not any closer now than I was yesterday sobbing into James’ arms. I stormed out into the halls and almost ran into a person coming around the corner. I stopped myself just before impact, and looked up to see Remus. I sighed and continued walking. What was it with me and James’ friends? Remus smiled at the look on my face, and fell into step with me. He looked a little sick, but happy none the less. He nudged me with his shoulder and asked, “Hey Lily, do you want to go talk? Sirius said you probably needed someone to talk to.”

I rolled my eyes. Of course he did. I nodded my head and replied, “Yeah sure, why not?”

He smiled and we walked in silence to the library where we found a table in the back where no one could over hear our conversation. Remus just looked at me with his sad brown eyes, wordlessly telling me to fill him in from the beginning. I repeated my story once again, and saw Remus smiling at the end. 

“Remus, what do I do? I’m clueless. My body is telling me two different things, and I just don't know which to listen to.”

Remus nodded. “I know this is total crap advise, but Lily, do what you think is right. I can't tell you to go out with James. That is something you have to do on your own. But really, you just have to follow your gut.”

I sighed. “But I don't know what my gut is saying. I don't know what to listen to.”

“Lily honey, how do you feel about James?”

“I like him a lot. Like a lot a lot.”

“Well, is that enough for you or do you need something else?”

“I don't know Remus. I would love to date James I suppose, but what if it is a bad decision? What if I get hurt?”

Remus looked down to his clasped hands and sighed. “Sometimes you have do go for things no matter what the risk. Sometimes you need the bad decisions to shape out who you become. But I swear on my life right now, James is not a mistake. Please just think about that Lily.”

I nodded and Remus stood to leave. “Good night Lily.”

“Night Remus.” And then he was gone. 

I gathered my things and left the library to hopefully catch James before dinner.

*** 

I sat in the common room quietly waiting for a certain raven haired boy to walk through the portrait hole. I was absentmindedly reading my advanced potions book trying to kill time, and I figured I would finish the book by the time James had gotten here. I had planned to come clean to James and admit my feelings to him. I planed to tell James I was ready to try with him, that I was ready to listen to my heart and not my brain for the first time in my life. My eyes were growing weary so I closed the book and laid it upon the table in front of me. It was so late and I had figured James would be back from his night time wanderings by now. I told myself right then that it would be a sign if James didn’t show up tonight. A sign that meant my decision was wrong and James wasn’t meant to be.

I leaned my head back, the softness of the chair soaking me into its relaxed self, and felt sleepiness wash over me. I really didn’t mean to fall asleep, but nothing could have stopped me. The last thing I remember was looking out the window and seeing the bright full moon hanging oh so innocently in the sky as the sound of mournful howling sang its depressing melody to my ears. 


	4. Chapter 4

A/N Ok, so… yeah… I can't believe people are actually reading this… I force myself to write so you guys can read this. I really hope you like it, and keep the reviews coming!

Chapter 4

Once again the sun was pouring onto my face. This time though I was much less comfortable. I realized I was still down in the common room after last night. I opened my eyes and grimaced at the brightness that welcomed me. I looked down and noticed that a blanket was covering my body and frowned. I didn’t have a blanket last night… I pulled my slender hand from under the blanket and looked at my watch. It was only 9 o’ clock so I relaxed. It was Sunday and no one would be up for at least an hour. I slowly pulled the blanket off of me about to make a speedy escape, when I heard a loud snore erupt from the couch beside my chair. My head snapped over there and I saw James cuddled up into a lumpy ball and sleeping. I had to bite back a laugh as I looked at his sleeping face. His hair was tousled more than usual and his mouth was hanging ajar, drool running like a small river onto the pillow beneath his head. His face was contorted into a dream-like smile, and he looked utterly adorable. He had stayed there all night with me, giving up his cozy bed for the somewhat lumpy couch. I smiled at the thought. I slowly started to tiptoe out of the room so James wouldn’t catch me, when I heard a voice call out.

“Lily?”

My face fell slightly, and I sighed and turned around looking into the face of the man that captivated my thoughts. Part of me wanted to run back to him, grab him, and pull him into my arms, kissing him senseless. The other part of me wanted to run and hide. I decided to go somewhere between the two and I just stood there staring. I think his face fell a bit, but I wasn’t sure. I couldn’t go to him. He didn’t show up before I fell asleep. It was a sign, that’s what I had told myself the night before. I knew I wanted him though. So bad… He stared into my eyes as if he was pounding something into my mind. Tell me, please just tell me, he seemed to be saying. I bit my lip. 

“I- Well… Umm…” I stumbled. My stomach was resting on the floor it had dropped so low. His eyes were pleading and sorrowful as I stared into their hazel depths. I opened my mouth to speak, but closed it quickly. The irrational part of me told me to tell him, but it wasn’t that easy. I couldn’t do it. I was a total wuss and he knew it as well as I did. Ok, I told myself, don't be scared. The worst thing that could happen is that he would reject you, and what are the chances of that? He wants you to tell him. Siri wants you to tell him, Remus wants you to tell him. I want you to tell him.

“Ok,” I started off feeling completely vulnerable. “James, I… I want to be with you. I want to be with you so bad you wouldn’t believe it. I'm... I’m just scared. My mind’s telling me to run away from you, and stay away forever, but my heart keeps saying go for it. Just do it. So… I'm listening to my heart James. I'm listening for you.”

His eyes seemed to soften even more, and I knew I would have cried had I not ran out of tears from the past few days. My face was heating up rapidly, and I could feel it burning my face. My eyes lowered to the ground and I stared at my unpainted toes. My stomach must be at the bottom of the dungeons by now. My nerves were taking control of my body, and I started to bite my lip. Out of nowhere I felt a pair of hands wrap themselves around my body, and I graciously accepted the hug. 

“Lily…” He muttered into my ear. “Thank you.” 

He pulled me closer, and seemed to be savoring the moment. Finally after a while he pulled away from me and looked into my eyes. 

“Lily… Be my girlfriend?”

I smiled nervously, and nodded my head. James smiled broadly and pulled me into another hug. I pulled away from him, smiled, and gave him a quick kiss on the cheek. 

“Hey, I’m going to go get dressed, ok?”

“Yeah, sure. I probably should too.”

We both walked in opposite directions towards our dorms with stupid grins on our faces. I climbed the stone steps carefully and precisely one step at a time. My head was up in the clouds and I was elated. I touched my lips and thought of what I had just done. I didn’t think I had it in me honestly. I stopped at the door that led to my dorm and just stood there. Hopefully I could pull off a lie of where I had been all night. Or maybe no one was awake yet. I hoped for the latter. I reached my hand up and twisted the glass knob until the door opened. I let go, and it swung forwards. In the dorm were five beds all around the room. I sighed in relief when I counted four sleeping bodies. I walked over to my wardrobe and pulled out a clean pair of jeans and a t-shirt. I put them on quietly and slipped a pair of black converse onto my feet. I slowly tiptoed to the door and shut it quietly as I slipped out. As I walked down the stairs I heard voices whispering and wondered who it was. When I finally got to the bottom I saw Sirius and James talking fast and quiet. James had a worried look on his face and Sirius looked… well… serious. I wrinkled my brow and walked over towards them.

“James, Siri, what’s wrong?”

Both of their heads snapped towards me when they heard my voice. Sirius was the first to respond. 

“Lil, Remus is hurt real badly. He’s in the infirmary right now. Pomfrey is worried.”

James gave Sirius a look I couldn’t read, but Sirius ignored it.

“What happened? Is he going to be ok?”

Sirius looked over to me and replied, “Look, we can talk about this later. We need to go to Remus now.”

I nodded my head, and the three of us quickly made our way to the infirmary. 

As we walked into the room I shuddered from the feeling of sheer pain and misery that seemed to fill it. I walked over to the one occupied bed and gasped. Remus was laying face up, past out. All over his body were scratches that varied in sizes. Some were small and unimportant; while others were so big Madam Pomfrey wasn’t even able to wrap them. We all took seats around his weak body and waited.

It was probably around two hours later when Remus finally regained consciousness. He looked around painfully and caught my eye. He wrinkled his brow and looked to James and Sirius. Sirius just nodded to him, and stood up. 

“Hey James, I fancy some breakfast. How ‘bout you?” He gave James a look, and James stood.

“Yeah, sounds good. We’ll bring you guys something.”

And with that they both walked away.

Immediately I asked the question that had been plaguing my thoughts for the past two hours.

“Remus, what happened?”

He looked down to his hands and sighed.

“Lily… I’m a werewolf.” 


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: I don't own a thing.

A/N: Sorry for the wait. If you want a quick update, some reviews might help. Hint hint *Smile* Hope you enjoy!

Chapter 5

“Lily… I’m a werewolf.” 

My eyes widened in shock, and I stared at Remus in surprise. He suddenly looked down, and muttered softly, “I’m sorry, it was stupid. I never should have told you. This was all a mistake.”

I shook my head to myself, and pulled myself from my chair. Remus’ head snapped up at the sudden movement, and he called out, “No, don't run!”

“Why would I?” I asked him quietly, and ran up to his frail body, and encircled him in a gentle hug. 

“Remus, I’m so sorry! That’s absolutely horrible! But… Thank you for trusting me enough to tell me. It means a lot.”

When I pulled away I heard Remus sigh in relief. He looked down again and asked, “So you don't look down on me for it?”

“Remus, you’re one of my best friends. Even if you told me you had always been a girl, and your name was really Rhiana Peenapul, I would still insist we go to the library, and you give me your opinions on all of my insignificant problems.” I looked at him tenderly, and smiled. He looked at me mockingly, but still warmly. 

“Rhiana Peenapul? Where did that come from? But… thank you… Thank you for not running away.”

I looked into his brown eyes and smiled. “Maybe I’m over running away.” His eyebrows shot up quizzically and he opened his mouth to speak, when James and Sirius walked into the room loudly. Remus snapped his mouth shut, but gave me a look that said ‘We’re going to talk about this’. I grinned. Sirius stopped their boisterous conversation, and looked to Remus. He nodded, and Sirius smiled. 

“Ok, so who wants to have their breakfast?” Sirius walked over to me, and handed me my waffles and winked. I smiled and dug in. James walked over to me, and sat in the chair beside me. He put his arm around my shoulders and smiled. I looked away from my mountain of whipped cream to see Remus grin painfully, and mutter to Sirius, “So, she finally listened to one of us then?”

*** “Ok, umm… what’s something about you I wouldn’t expect?” I asked James. His brows furrowed, as he thought. 

“Umm… I’m a marvelous piano player, not to boast or anything. No one but my mom has ever heard me play though. What about you?”

I smiled, and replied, “I got expelled from school when I was 10.” James’ eyebrows shot up beneath his chaotic hair, and he looked at me incredulously. 

“How did that happen?”

I smirked and said plainly, “Unnecessary violence.”

He laughed and said, “Should have seen that one coming. But you got expelled?”

“Yeah, and it was lucky I got my Hogwarts letter, because no schools were accepting me. Not many schools want a kid who put a 12 year old boy in the hospital. Anyway, so your turn, any question.”

He grinned. “What were your thoughts when you first laid eyes on my gorgeous face?”

I rolled my eyes and replied, “Well, I thought you were pretty attractive. You seemed like a pretty cool guy… until you poured your pumpkin juice all over me. I would have hurt you if I hadn’t promised my dad I wouldn’t cause any fights.”

“Good thing you promised him then. I might not be here anymore. But hmm… The moment my eyes first laid upon you all I could think was ‘that girls gonna be mine someday. I’ll make sure of it.’” He pulled me closer to him, and I laid my head upon his chest. Then he whispered, “And I was right.” I smiled and breathed in his scent. 

We sat there together in the common room just enjoying each others presence when James called out, “Hey Lily, isn’t that your owl?” I looked up and smiled. Pecking at the window was my owl, Luke, as in Luke Skywalker (so sue me, I like Star Wars more than the average person), with a note hanging from his foot. I happily got up and opened the window, letting the feathered creature in the room. He flew to the desk in the corner, and stuck out his leg for me to remove the parchment. I quickly untied it from his leg, and opened it. I smiled when I recognized my mother’s handwriting. 

Dearest Lily, Last night at dinner your father had a heart attack, and was in the hospital until three am this morning when he past away. The doctors did all they could, but it wasn’t enough, and it seems it was his time to go. The funeral will be held on the 25th. He would want you to be there. I love you. Mom PS. Petunia is engaged to Vernon. The wedding is in January.

The note fell noiselessly to the ground as I stared at the stone wall in front of me. How can he be gone? He is the only person I can truly count on. He was the only one who believed in me. I thought desolately to myself. I could scarcely comprehend the sound of James calling out to me, but I turned to look at him. A single tear ran down my face, and I fell unconsciously to the ground.

*** “Lily? Lily please wake up.”

I groggily opened my eyes, and looked around to see that I was lying on a couch in the common room. 

“What happened?” I asked somewhat confused. 

“You fainted Lil.”

And then it all came crashing back. I looked at the coffee table in front of me and saw the letter folded up on the table. All of a sudden, I let out a loud sob, and could feel the tears run down my face. My body was trembling and heaving, and I couldn’t stop it for my life. James was instantly beside me, holding me and shushing my sobs. 

“Did you read it?” I asked quietly between sobs. He nodded sadly, and rubbed my back slowly.

“I know I had no right to, but you fainted, and I panicked. I had to know what happened.”

I nodded and told him it was ok, and he wiped the river of tears that were running down my pale unmoving face. James voice was relaxing to me though, and I was glad for that small bit of comfort.

“I know how you feel Lily. This all happened to me last year. You aren’t alone in this.”

I wiped my eyes, and leaned into his welcoming embrace. All night I sobbed into his shoulder, and all night he held me, murmuring soothing nothings into my delicate ears.

A/N: anybody catch the Obsessive Lily Disorder reference? Chocolate chip cookie dough Ice cream for anyone who can point it out. If you haven’t read that story, then go to the Procrastinator-starting2moro profile on fanfiction.net right now and read it!!!!! 


	6. Chapter 6

Disclaimer: I own nothing but my stuffed penguin, Pumpernickel. He is my muse. (I know, I’m nuts.)

A/N: Yeah, so to clear some things up, the whole gang is in seventh year, and to those who wondered, Sirius and Remus say that because they care for her, she’s like a sister to them, and they love her. But yeah, the obsessive Lily disorder reference was the Rhiana Peenapul, when Sirius, Peter and Remus all look like James because of the Polyjuice potion, and have to take on alias’ to come to class. Congrats to those who got it!

Chapter 6

I was leaning up against the bench in the train station waiting for the big scarlet steam engine to appear to take me home. The past few days for me had been absolutely terrible, and James and the guys were the only thing keeping me going. I had been really close to my father, and I still couldn’t believe that he was gone. A faint whistling in the distance caught my attention, and I looked up to see that the train was coming. I slowly stood, and went to grab my bag when I noticed that someone was already holding it. I looked up to see James standing beside me, holding my things, and a bag of his own. 

“What are you doing here?” I asked.

James gave a small smile, and replied, “I know you don't want to be alone for this. I’ve been through this, and trust me, you don't want to be alone. Dumbledore gave me permission to come along with you on special ‘heads business.’” 

I gave a small smile, and grasped his hand. “Lets go, or we’ll miss the train,” I said softly. He nodded, and pulled me along carrying my small bag around his shoulder. He was carrying his own bag with one hand, and clasping my hand with the other. We both boarded the train, and went to an empty compartment. James let go of my hand to place our things in the baggage rack. I walked over to a seat and carefully sat down. When James finished with the bags, he walked over to me, and sat. For the longest time we just sat there in silence, until out of nowhere, a large sob came from my weak body. Immediately James was there, holding my lurching body like he had been for the past few days. These sudden outbursts had become something normal in the Gryffindor common room, and James was there for me every time. I leaned my wet face against his chest, and tried to control my crying. After a while, the tears subsided, but I stayed in James’ caring embrace, clutching to him for dear life. 

***

“Lily? Come on Lil, wake up. Were here.”

I groggily opened my eyes, and realized I had fallen asleep on James. I pulled my head away from his beating chest, and looked around the compartment dazed. It was dark outside, and James quickly got up and grabbed our bags. He led the way out onto the platform, where he stopped and hugged me. “Everything is going to be fine,” He whispered in my ear softly. I nodded, and pulled away.

“Come on, my mom will be waiting.” And only then did I realize that my mom would have to meet James, and He would have to meet Petunia. This is going to be a nightmare, I thought to myself. Together we walked through the barrier, finding ourselves in muggle London. My eyes scanned the area, and I instantly found my mother standing outside of the car waving her hand. I waved back, and she climbed into the car. I reached down, and grabbed James hand, and pulled him to the car. When we got there, my mom noticed James and gave me a look. She rolled down the window, and asked, “Who’s this?” I smiled weakly.

“Mom, this is James. Can he stay with us?” My mother’s eyes looked to James inquisitively, and she nodded. We both climbed into the back of the car, and I slammed the door shut behind me.

When we arrived home, I could see James looking at the small TV in amazement. “It’s called a television. You watch movies or shows on it. That’s where people act and it’s captured on film,” I informed him.

His eyes got big and he looked at me in astonishment. “That’s amazing!” He blurted out. I shook my head, and took his hand. “Come on, I’ll show you where you will be sleeping.”

I led him up the stairs and past three doors. When we came to the forth, I quickly opened it, and placed my bag on the floor. James walked in and laughed. “Is this your room?” The walls were painted pink, and my bed was covered in stuffed animals, and a frilly pink comforter. 

“You can't criticize me. The last time I truly lived here I was 11!”

He shook his head and smiled, and I led the way out of the room. We walked to the door across the hall from mine, and I opened the door. James walked in and sat his stuff on the floor. 

“So, this is your room for the next three days. We had better go down stairs though; dinner should be ready any minute.”

He nodded, and followed me out of his room. We walked down to the dinning room, and I saw my mom, Petunia, and an extremely large man. I assumed that he was Petunia’s fiancé. I held back a snort, and led James over to the seat next to mine. We both sat down, and my mother passed the food around. I looked over to my sister, and noticed the look of disgust on her face. She looked from me to James in distaste, and asked, “So, does he go to that freak school of yours?”

I closed my eyes knowing what was going to happen, and opened them again. I glared at Petunia. “It’s not a freak school Petunia, and yes, he does.”

The man next to her tensed and his face seemed to bulge. He looked to Petunia, and blurted out, “Petunia, lets leave. I don't want to be around freaks like her. I told you after I proposed that she is not to be around me, whether she’s family or not.”

I could feel James tense beside me, and I grabbed his hand. I looked at him, and whispered, “James, it’s ok, I’m used to it.”

Petunia’s fiancé yelled out, “What are you doing girl? Don't be doing any of your freakish things when I’m around!”

And that was all it took to get James out of his chair, holding his wand to his throat. James had a menacing look in his eyes, and I was scared of what he would do. James glared at the man’s bulging eyes, and muttered, “Don't call her a freak. Take it back right now, or you will regret it.”

I quickly jumped out of my chair and ran to James’ still body. I raised my arms up to his outstretched hand, and pulled it down. He looked at me, and I whispered, “James, he’s not worth it. You and I both know that. Come on, let’s just eat.”

I grabbed his hand, and led him over to our seats. James looked down at his plate, and I looked to my mother in apology. Petunia and her fiancé had ran out of the house as soon as I pulled James away. We finished the rest of the meal in silence, until we all finished. James excused himself to bed, and me and my mom went to the living room and sat together on a couch.

“He seems like a sweet boy,” my mom said with a laugh. I grinned softly, and shook my head.

“He really is. He was just looking out for me.”

My mother nodded, and looked at me. “So, is this the same James that you have been complaining about for the past six years?”

I smiled embarrassedly and nodded. She smiled, and said, “I always figured you two would get together. He’s a sweet kid, coming home with you and everything.”

I nodded, “I know. I didn’t even know he was coming until the train pulled up, and he appeared next to me with a bag in his hand.”

She smiled and looked down to her hands. “Your father would have loved him. They seem so much alike.”

I sighed, “I know. But James has been so comforting to me. He’s what’s keeping me going.”

My mom yawned and stood up. “I think I’m going to go to bed. It’s been a long night.” She turned to walk up the stairs. “And Lily, don't let your sister get to you. She just doesn’t understand.”

My mom walked up the stairs, and into her room, leaving me alone with my thoughts of James, Petunia, and my father. 


	7. Chapter 7

A/N: Sorry it took so long. Writers block filled my month. Hope you like it! R/R!

Chapter 7

“And that’s where I fell off of the swings when I was nine,” I said, pointing to the small swing set in the park. I was showing James around the town of my childhood, where I had spent the most of my time. We were walking through the park, just talking about nonsense things. I grabbed his hand, and pulled him over to the large marry-go-round. We both sat down and started spinning ourselves around with our feet. I lay back onto the hard steel, and sighed. James and I had been out walking around all day, and now the stars were starting to come out. I smiled at their twinkling glow. They always made me feel better. The spinning had come to a stop, and James lay down on his side next to me.

“You’re beautiful,” he muttered quietly, and I could feel my face flush. I looked into his eyes, and almost gasped at the emotion they seemed to hold. He smiled at me, and leaned in closer. I knew he was going to kiss me, and my stomach plummeted. In seconds his lips were on mine, and he was kissing me softly. I slightly panicked, as I didn’t know what to do, but slowly instincts came to me, and I was kissing him back. He pulled away from my pink lips, and smiled. He reached over, and took my hand. “Come on, your mum is probably waiting.”

I sighed and nodded knowing he was right.

*** I climbed into my pink twin size bed, and curled up into a ball. Tomorrow was my father’s funeral. I would give anything to have that over with. When I even thought about him, I felt as though my heart was being ripped to pieces by a paper shredder. I closed my eyes, and tried to sleep, but it seemed as though it would never come. I got out of my bed, and walked to my closet. Inside was a small box hidden in the corner. I pulled it out, and sat on the floor. Inside were all of the things that had ever meant something to me. My Hogwarts letter was sitting near the top, the emerald ink still shining. Lying under that was my art project from fifth grade, when we had to make something that reminded us of home. Mine was a badly shaped cat that was supposed to look like the kitten I used to have. Finally I found what I was looking for. It was a letter with the name Lily Evans scrawled untidily across. It was a letter my dad had sent me on my sixteenth birthday. My mum didn’t know he sent it; it was meant for me.

My precious Lily today is your sixteenth birthday. I am writing this letter to you because I think every girl needs to know these things. You are the most beautiful flower in a garden of roses my dear Lily. You are my angel, my precious baby and now you’re all grown up. Soon you will be out of school, and I won’t even have the summers to look forward to. I’m so sad that I’m loosing my baby, but I know it must happen. I want you to know that you are the best daughter a father could ask for, and that no matter what happens, no matter where you go, I will always love you, and always be there for you.

Your Loving Father

I could feel the tears running down my face again. That was the last letter he had written me. He had been really busy with work until… 

I wiped my eyes, and placed the letter back into the box. After I had placed it back in my closet, and shut the door, I walked over to my bed and fell into a dreamless sleep.

*** It was almost over. As much as I loved my father, I wanted nothing more than to leave, and get out of the scratchy black dress I was wearing. Finally the funeral was declared over, and I practically ran from the graveyard. James was right behind me, and we both walked to the park we were in the night before. It was about four in the afternoon, so the place was bustling with children who had already gotten home from school. We looked to each other, and decided that hanging around with a bunch of children wasn’t our ideal plan for the day. We just started walking around different streets and talking.

“So, what do you plan to do after Hogwarts?” James asked me. I turned my face towards him, and replied, “Auror.”

He nodded, and said, “I would have figured, I might, but I don't know yet really.”

We had been walking for quite some time by then, and it was starting to get dark. I said to James, “We better get back to my place soon; my mum probably isn’t doing to well.” He nodded and looked to me.

“Where to captain?”

I looked around and pulled him down a nearby alleyway, which I knew would get us home faster. It was hard to see down the alley but I had traveled down it many times in my youth. But when I couldn’t see anything anymore, I got scared. I could feel James tense up beside me, and heard him pull out his wand. Suddenly a feeling of dread and coldness washed over me. Running through my head like a horror movie, I could see vividly the day I almost died. There was a hooded figure standing over me with their wand outstretched to my neck. They were laughing manically, and seemed to be getting pleasure from the torture they were giving out freely. I was lying on the ground tied up and gagged, and was shivering with cold and twitching with pain. Just when the figure was about to kill me, someone appeared, and the wizard ran off. Then there was darkness. 

*** I awoke lying on the couch in my living room. James was sitting in the chair next to me, starring at the wall.

“James,” I managed to squeak out. His head snapped over to my shivering form. He got up, and crouched down next to my face. His eyes still had a faint taste of fear residing in them. “What happened?” I asked softly.

“There was a dementor. He came down the alley, and I got rid of it.”

I made a face. “What’s a dementor?” I asked. He looked at me quizzically, and replied, “Dementors are dark creatures that bring fear. They suck the happiness out of you, and leave you with your worst fears and memories. They guard the wizard prison Azkaban, so I don’t know what one was doing out here, around muggles no less!”

I swallowed. If they aren’t meant to be in the muggle world, what are the chances that the only two wizards in the town would run into one? Someone had to of sent it. “Voldemort,” I whispered softly. His head snapped up and a look of realization crossed his face.

“How did you get rid of it James?” I asked.

“The Patronus charm. It makes a sort of dementor shield of happiness. I don't know how to describe it really. Listen, it has been a long night, and we have to leave tomorrow. You had better get to bed.” I nodded, and slowly pulled myself off of the couch. I heard someone run op the stairs and a door shut, but I was too tired to think anything of it. James walked me up the stairs, and we stopped at my door. I kissed him quickly, and went to turn into my room, but James stopped me. 

“Can I ask you something?” he asked quietly. I nodded. “What did you see when the dementor came?” I swallowed hard.

“When I was 14, I was kidnapped, tortured, and almost killed by Bellatrix Black. I would have died if Professor Dumbledore hadn’t shown up. Nobody at the school knows about it.” James’ eyes had gotten big as he listened to me. 

“Oh. Well that was unexpected,” he said. I kissed him again, and told him not to worry about it, and to go to sleep. He walked into his room, and I walked into mine. I crawled under the covers, and hoped to get rid of the feeling of cold that was still lingering in me. I closed my eyes and instantly fell into a deep sleep. That night I dreamt of Bellatrix with her wand to my throat. 


	8. Chapter 8

A/N: So sorry it took so long! But, onto the story my dear readers! And don't forget to review!

Chapter 8

The days passed by quickly, like the ticking second hand upon the large grandfather clock in my house. Everything seemed to blur by, but I was happy. Before I knew it, James and I were standing together at the train station in Hogsmeade saying our farewells to Remus, Sirius, and Peter. James and I were staying for the Christmas Holidays, and we were the only seventh years in the school. I was glad James had elected to stay with me, and not go home. My sister was spending the holidays at home with my mum, so I decided to stay at the school. James understood, as he knew the old horse, and volunteered to stay with me. For the first time, James and I were going to be alone with no chance of interruption. We had decided we rather liked the past time of snogging, but the others seemed to like the past time of ruining the moment. James and I had been together since the end of October and were still as happy as we were in the beginning of our relationship. 

I was bundled up in my cloak and shivering. It was absolutely freezing outside, and I couldn’t wait to get back inside to the warm castle behind me. I was counting down the minutes until I would be back inside warm with James beside me.

Sirius leaned out the window of his compartment, and yelled out, “You two be careful, and remember, safe sex!” I rolled my eyes, and saw that James had flipped Sirius off. The train was starting to move, so I waved my hand goodbye to all of the guys. James nudged me with his shoulder. “You ready to go back up? Lunch is about to start.” 

I sighed and smiled, “That’s all you think about isn’t it? Food!” He smiled and took my hand. 

“No, I think about you more, and I’m ready to have my two favorite things together! Food and your gorgeous face.”

I smiled, and leaned my head onto his shoulder. “Whatever you say mister.”

James and I walked back to the carriages that would take us back to the castle, and climbed in. The ride was mostly silent, but every once and a while James would throw out some random comment about the weather or cheese or donuts. After what seemed like forever, the carriage pulled to a stop, and me and James climbed out. James grabbed my hand and practically dragged me all the way to the great hall. Finally we reached the doors, and I had to grab at my side to numb the pain that had come from the running. 

“Come on, I’m starving!” James said, and pulled me along yet again. 

*** After James had finished eating the entire table of food we both headed up to the common room to relax. It had been a fairly easy day and I wanted nothing more than to just lie down and be lazy. When we got to the couches I walked over and fell onto one happily. It had been a long time since I had the time to just laze around what with N.E.W.T.S. coming up. James walked up to the couch and moved my outstretched legs so he could sit beside me. It would be weird to be alone with him for the next few weeks. 

“So Ms. Evans, what shall we do in this completely deserted room?” James asked me with a smile on his face. I gave him a look as if I was thinking really hard.

“I don't know Mr. Potter. Do you have any ideas?”

“Just a few,” he said lightly and leaned over and kissed me softly on the lips. We began to snog like usual. It was a nice feeling knowing that we wouldn’t be interrupted for once. James began to kiss me harder and much more passionate than usual, and I felt his hand slip up my shirt. My stomach began to drop as I felt him reach up toward my bra. He was about to unclasp it when I finally pulled away. James looked into my eyes quizzically and I reached behind me and pulled his hand out of my shirt. 

“I'm sorry James, I can't let you do that,” I muttered, and got off of the couch.

“Lily, I’m sorry I just got carried away,” he told me softly. I looked at his apologetic eyes and felt my insides drop to the ground. Something had shown itself in my mind that moment, and I needed to think about it. I turned around and ran out of the common room straight to the room of requirement. My mind was racing, but I just kept running. Lily, you are stupid. You told yourself you would never run from James again. 

When the door appeared in front of me I ran in and slammed it behind me. The room had a cozy feel, and there was an armchair sitting in the middle. I walked quickly over to it and sat down feeling my frail trembling body sink into it. With my head resting in my quivering hands I thought about what had happened in the common room. James had tried to take things farther. Farther than I have ever been before. I defiantly wasn’t ready for that so I jumped away from his eager body. Then, when I looked into his eyes I realized something I couldn’t believe true. I tried and tried to convince myself it wasn’t true, though nothing seemed to work. I considered trying to use a spell, but decided it wasn’t worth it. I would probably end up turning myself into a duck. Finally, after so very long, I understood my realization was true, though I didn’t want it to be. Sitting there in silence I finally accepted the fact that I was in love with James Potter. 


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9

The halls at midnight, I must say, are quite terrifying. Or maybe I’m just a big scaredy cat. I’m sure that’s what it is. I had completely lost track of time in the Room of Requirement. I glanced at my watch and saw the hour hand pointing at the tiny little one. If I get caught now it would be detention for sure. I quickened my pace. I was almost to the fat lady when I heard a meow come from behind me. I turned and saw Mrs. Norris, the new caretaker’s cat. I knew from hearing James talk that soon Filch would be there to catch me. I broke into a run, and panting stopped in front of the fat lady’s portrait. She was awake, so I muttered the password quickly, and ran into the room. 

Once I was safely within the confines of the Gryffindor common room, I caught my breath and glanced around the room. Thankfully James was nowhere in sight. I had hoped he wouldn’t be. It was too late for talking right now. I walked over to the staircase and into my dorm. My bed from across the room seemed to be calling for me. I wanted so much to fall into its soft comforts. So, I did. Instantaneously my mind left me for the dream world of James and imagination. 

***

 The soft sunlight was pouring through the windows as I walked toward the Great Hall to find James. I needed to apologize to him before it was too late. When I came upon the doors, I peaked in and saw James sitting alone eating his breakfast. Just as I moved my foot to walk over to him, I felt nerves. I turned on my heel and ran straight out of the castle. I stood there in the freezing cold for a moment to clear my head, and then turned and walked back in. 

*** 

James was in the library studying his potions book. I was hiding behind a bookshelf watching him. He looked miserable, and I could see that he wasn’t really reading because his eyes weren’t moving. His brows were creased in concentration and his left hand was tapping out rhythms on the table, something I knew to be a habit of his when he was concentrating hard on something. I was leaning forward against the books to get a better look at him when one fell from the shelf on James’s side. His head snapped up, and looked toward me, but before he could see me I had dashed out of the library. 

“Stupid Lily!” I whispered to myself once I had reached the hall. I slowly walked down to the kitchens because I knew I would not go down to dinner no matter how much I bullied myself. I tickled the pear and turned the doorknob to be bombarded with elves. I walked over to a table and sat down. Before I could even speak a large plate of pancakes was placed in front of me. I smiled and grabbed a fork. I had eaten maybe three bites and a fingerful of whipped cream when a little elf came over to me.

“Miss Lily, there is someone who wishes to talk to you. Would you follow me please Miss?”

I looked quizzically at the house elf and nodded. She led me over to a giant fire place, and pointed. Resting in the fire was Sirius’s head. I told the elf she could go, and I walked over to the fireplace and sat down on the hard floor. 

“Are you stalking me?” I asked him with a smile on my face. 

He grinned and told me simply, “Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.”

I grinned and just looked at his floating head. “You know it’s weird that whenever I need someone to talk to you always seem to show up.”

“Lily what’s wrong? I thought things were good with you lately.” 

I watched him watch me for a while before I answered. “James tried to… take things to the next step I suppose. I pulled away from him and got off of the couch. When he looked into my eyes I realized something. Sirius I’m in love with him. That’s never happened with anyone before!”

Sirius smiled and replied, “Lily its ok for you to love him. It’s not a crime.”

I swallowed the lump forming in my throat and looked into Sirius’s eyes again. “Sirius, I don't know if I want things to get that serious. I’m afraid of… I don't know… Sirius, I’ve never felt like this before. Every time I’m around James life is… great. But good things don't last forever.”

“Lily I’ve told you a million times. You need to stop worrying about the consequences, and just do what your heart tells you. You need to stop this whole running thing. It’s not good for you. It’ll end up ruining you! You and James are one in a million. You two are one of the few couples that are meant to be together so much it almost hurts both of you. This good thing will last forever. You two have the truest love possible.”

I blinked back a tear and hoped Sirius didn’t see. “But I’m afraid that if I admit it, everything will collapse and be totally ruined. I don't want that.”

Sirius gave me a consoling look and replied, “You don't have to tell him until you are ready, even if he says it first. If you aren’t ready then don't make yourself do something you’ll regret.”

I nodded and looked sadly at the floor. “Lily, I think I hear Remus coming. Do you want to talk to him, or shall we end this joyous talk of ours?”

I smiled and told him, “It’s getting late Sirius. I should probably get going.” 

He smiled and nodded. “Be a good girl Lily.”

I smiled and replied, “You too Siri!” And with that Sirius disappeared from the fire. I got up off of the floor and walked out the door without a backwards glance. I kept walking until I got to the common room where I had hoped James might be. He wasn’t there. I looked at my watch and saw that it was ten thirty. James wouldn’t be in bed yet, but with his friends gone he wouldn’t be out of the common room either. I walked over to the boys dorms and went to James’s. When I opened the door I was greeted by the same mess that was always there, but there was no James. I sighed and turned around and walked to my room. The door was cracked so I just pushed it open. James was sitting on my bed with his broom lying on the floor next to it. 

“I was just about to go try to find you. I haven’t seen you all day. I didn’t mean to make you mad. I'm really sorry. I should have thought about how that would make you react. It was stupid. I’m sorry.” 

I looked at his sad face and immediately felt bad. This whole time he thought I was mad at him when really I was mad at myself. “James I wasn’t mad at you. I just… I was just shocked. It was just a nervous reaction. It’s really my fault that we didn’t talk today. It’s me who should be sorry.”

He nodded and said, “I could understand that I guess. But still I’m sorry.”

I half smiled and replied, “I tried talking to you about twenty times today, but I got nervous and ran.”

He got off of my bed and walked over to me. “So we’re ok now right?”

I nodded and smiled. “Yeah, we’re great.” He smiled and leaned in to kiss me. It was different kissing someone you loved than kissing someone you just liked. James pulled away, gave me a kiss on the cheek and walked out of the room with his broom in hand. I smiled and walked over to my bed. As soon as I had lain down, I knew my dreams would be sweet. 


End file.
